Found For Friday

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Sunderland were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through". So the wife went out and moved her car as instructed. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through". The wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the electric power went out. The wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?" To which the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"

*WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES*

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and
never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his
deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man
in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible. . .

No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...
Never mind.

I just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to kiss my ass. Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving.

The Arrogance of Authority

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.



The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "



The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.



A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......







With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....



" Your badge! Show him your BADGE !"

Headline of the day: Man struck in head by can of soda, fortunate it was a soft drink

NASA accepted the wildebeast's application, and around our planet a brave gnu whirled.

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.
'Twenty pounds," she whispers.
Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides what the hell; it's only twenty pounds so they hide in the bushes.
They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them.
It's a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, needer did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!!!"

Don't kiss birds or you may get an untweetable canarial disease

A bartender was summoned to court with a subpoena colada

Have a great week-end. Hugs, j