The Dark Matter Diet

A Weight Loss Approach Based on New Scientific Discoveries

Warning—The following statements have not been reviewed by the FDA, FCC, AMA, FAA, IEEE, or the US Meteorology Service, or any other regulatory branch of the US government or of any other government. Your results may vary.

I am sure you have all heard the buffalo theory regarding brain cells. The wolves kill the slow buffalo. The fast buffalo survive and breed, thereby improving the herd. Likewise, alcohol kills slow brain cells, allowing fast brain cells to thrive, and improving mental acuity. There is a similar mechanism at work increasing our waistlines. It is explained as follows.

Scientists have recently made tremendous discoveries regarding the nature of the universe and the "stuff" from which it is made. Years ago, everything was thought to be composed of either matter or energy. Einstein showed that matter could be converted into energy and energy could be converted into matter. They were equivalent. Scientists were convinced that the universe started in a "big bang", followed by a period of inflation and rapid cooling, followed again by the current state of steadily slowing expansion. The thought was that there were two end-state possibilities. The first was that the universe would continue to expand at an ever slowing rate which would never reach zero. The second was that the expansion would slow to zero, followed by an accelerating contraction, finishing up in a "big crunch".

The first new discovery was the presence of a great deal of never before discovered "dark matter". This dark matter, composed of something other than regular matter, appears to not interact in any way with regular matter except gravitationally. Great clouds of this dark matter surround every galaxy, helping to hold them together. Nobody has ever seen this stuff, but its presence it thought to be certain, since without its presence, galaxies would need to rotate much slower than they actually do. In fact, theory says that there is much more of this dark matter than there is regular matter. The total increase in mass was thought to increase the likelihood that the universe would, in fact, end up in the big crunch. However, further new evidence shows that, despite the presence of all this extra mass, the universe is actually expanding at an accelerating rate. It is not slowing down. It is expanding at an ever increasing rate, leading some scientist to speculate that in about 60 billion years, the universe will be torn apart in a "big rip", whereby all matter, including molecules and atoms and quarks and everything will be literally torn apart into a sea of energy. This increasing rate of expansion appears to be due to another new discovery, dark energy. This dark energy pervades the entire universe. It is everywhere. In fact, one theory holds that as the volume of space increases through the current expansion, the amount of dark energy per unit volume remains constant. Therefore, the total amount of dark energy is actually increasing. This is what drives the ever increasing rate of expansion, and lead to the projection of a big rip.

Doctors tell us that we need to restrict our calorie intake, reduce our consumption of fried junk food, thereby improving our health and controlling our increase in body size. I contend that they are wrong, and are in fact promoting the exact opposite of the proper way to improve health. I now put forth the "dark energy waistline reduction program", a painless way to keep our ever expanding waistlines in check. It has to do with the conflict between dark matter and dark energy in our body, and works like this:

The dark matter in our bodies helps to stabilize our size, holding our regular matter together. But this dark matter is losing the battle with the ever increasing quantity of dark energy, which not only drives the expansion of the universe on a large scale, and but also drives the expansion of our waistlines on a smaller scale. We may experience a big rip in 60 billion years. I am probably too old to worry about events 60 billion years in the future. However, the short term effects are still of concern. I believe that we are actually experiencing a "little rip" in the present time. Dark energy is collecting in our bodies, causing expansion. Waistlines are rapidly expanding, causing clothes to stretch and belts to burst.

Our intake of dark energy is largely uncontrollable. It happens purely through interacting with our environment. But this intake of dark energy can be slowed by reducing our physical activity. Every time we run, every time we walk, every time we exercise in any way, we increase our interaction with the environment, further increasing the amount of waistline expanding dark energy. As our respiration increases, we breathe more air, which contains dark energy. As our heart rate increases, the dark energy is rapidly distributed throughout our bodies, increasing the expansion tendencies. So the first step of this program is to dramatically reduce our physical activity. Do NOT exercise any more than absolutely necessary. Sit in front of the TV; read a book; take a nap. But do not perform strenuous exercise. It is deadly. In fact, think about the clothes in your closet. They exhibit limited movement and interaction with the environment. And yet, they get smaller every year. They do not increase in size, they get smaller. Due to their lack of movement, the dark energy they contain escapes, allowing their dark matter to take over, making them contract or get smaller.

We can counteract any unavoidable increase in dark energy by increasing our quantity of dark matter. The only way to do that is by an increase the consumption of regular matter, which must, due to gravitation attraction, include some amount of dark matter. This dark matter will propagate throughout the body, concentrating in the midsection. The increase in gravitational attraction due to the increased intestinal mass will help hold an expanding waistline in check, and prevent those embarrassing moments known as little rips. Dark chocolate, red wine, dark beer and red meat are especially good sources of dark matter. You can tell this by their color. Avoid light colored chicken or fish. You can tell by their light coloration that they contain less dark matter.

Studies have shown the health benefits of dark chocolate and red wine. However, the reason for their "goodness" has mistakenly been attributed to the flavanoids they contain. However, it is actually due to their dark matter content. Similar benefits have been shown for high protein diets, such as the Atkins diet. Again, the dark matter in the red meat is not given the proper credit for the effect of these diets. Light colored vegetables are especially notorious for their high quantities of dark energy. But it has been proposed that liberal applications of fats, especially pork fat, can cancel such dark energy. The exact mechanism has not been determined. This may explain why pork, although light in color, is actually healthy. Further study is warranted.

There is one slight caution. An excess of dark matter can cause sufficient contraction to allow the formation of very small, localized, black holes with our bodies. And as Stephen Hawking has shown, very small black holes decay rapidly. And it appears that the energy released during their decay is largely composed of dark energy. Broccoli is a dark vegetable. However, it has such high concentrations of dark matter that it promotes the formation of these small black holes, which then decay and turn into dark energy. This is characterized by a bloating effect, which can only be eliminated in the form of gas. But remember, much of the dark energy will remain in your body. So dark vegetables should be consumed very sparingly.

Additionally, cigar smoking, which required very little physical exercise, further reduces the absorption rate of dark energy. The dense clouds of smoke generated serves as a shield from the dark energy surrounding us. Furthermore, the smoke is high in dark matter. When pulled into our lungs, this dark matter is rapidly distributed to the rest of our bodies.

So here is the recipe for health and a controlled waistline:

- Minimal exercise.
- Increased consumption of red wine, dark beer, and red meat.
- Minimal consumption of light colored meat such as chicken.
- Minimal consumption of vegetables, dark or light.
- Balancing of any light colored vegetables or meat with liberal applications of pork fat or butter.
- Smoking one or more cigars every day.

Live long and prosper. Let me know how this works. Even if the effects or not immediately obvious, you can be sure that benefits are accruing.

Donald E. Mosier