Found For Friday

It appears that all the Wal-Marts in Alabama are sold out of ammunition as of yesterday. A reliable source reported that one of the purchasers commented, “Russia may have invaded Georgia, but they shore as Hell ain't doin' it to Alabama!”

Few people know it, but George Washington actually was born a Texan. As a young boy, he used his Bowie knife and chopped down his father's favorite mesquite tree. His father returned from a hard day of riding the range, tending his Texas longhorns, and demanded to know who had cut down his prized mesquite tree.

"Father," said young George, "I cannot tell a lie. I chopped it down."

"That settles it," said his father. "Get packed. We're moving to Virginia. With an attitude like that, you'll never make it in Texas politics."
A young boy comes down for breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. 'Not yet,' said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken. When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow. When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. 'How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?' he asks. 'Well,' his mother says, 'I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any pork or bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk.

'Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, 'you gonna tell him or should I?

ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they die.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

and MY personal favorite:

WRINKLES
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold is a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother then asks Harold what they're planning to do.

Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he stammers, "Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw. Why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door.

Her Mom sends them on their way, saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Harold.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:


"It's The Twist, Mother! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"
Here are the top nine comments made during NBC sports coverage at the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian D!cks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...

Oh my God, what have I just said?"
One day George Washington's father was out inspecting the estate when he happened upon a dead indian in the apple orchard. He immediately sought George, who was in one of the pastures looking after the cows. Once he found George, he immediately took him to the place where he found the dead indian and, while pointing at the body, exclaimed; "George, are you responsible for this?" Whereupon, Geoprge replied; "Father, I cannot tell a lie. I did not chop down that Cherokee.
For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally....

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.'

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Half way.

A pantheist: someone who worships God in the kitchen.

An Arkansas State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He asked the driver, "Got any ID? The driver replied, "'Bout what?"

There was one a dromedary whose fur was an amazingly close match in color to the desert sand, and he was almost impossible to see. Some called him 'the invisible dromedary', but in reality he wasn't invisible; he was just really well camel-flaged.

The health spa hired a church-going parasite to keep tabs on their clients. The whole ordeal was quite thorough pew tic.

A man bought a cattle ranch for his sons and named it the 'Focus Ranch' because it was where the sons raise meat.

The zoo wanted to hire the truck driver to haul the sick African Antelopes to the veterinarian. He declined. He didn't want to be the bearer of bad gnus.

and finally, an exchange between Groucho Marx and Margaret Dumont in Animal Crackers (1930):

Explorer: Then one afternoon I bagged six tigers. Six of the biggest tigers I ever saw.
Hostess: You captured six tigers?
Explorer: I bagged them. I bagged them and bagged them to go away, but they hung around all afternoon. They were the most persistent tigers I ever saw.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and t he man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'
New use for Windex
I haven't checked 'snopes.com' to see if this actually works or not; But they say,

New use for Windex
I haven't checked 'snopes.com' to see if this actually works or not; But they say,

If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should drink some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking.