Found for Friday

Coincidence?

Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???

Does it gets worse next year?

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - Nope, What could possibly go wrong with that? Coincidence?

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No crap, really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing, lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

(This one is for Don M.)

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. describe the incident.

'Well,' she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit,' the Rottweiler ate her!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

Redneck Fire Detector

by MadPriest

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "Well, when my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a brand-new Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My dear husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.

"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying 'Bullshit' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious'."

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."




A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"

"Now, settle down," replied the doc calmly, "You'll just have to be a little patient
An elephant joke: (from John)

In the early 1860s, a community of Sisters of the Blessed Virgin that had been located in Tennessee found their convent threatened by the surging battles of the Civil War. Cloistered nuns, they decided for safety to remove to Winneshiek County, Iowa, near Fort Atkinson, where they purchased 80 acres of land and relocated their entire community. Within a few years area workers had constructed log dormitories, a kitchen and commons area, a chapel, and a palisade to protect them from the outside world.

Here they lived their simple life, existing on food they grew in their extensive gardens, or from the livestock they raised. As the years progressed, they attracted occasional neophytes who desired to take the veil. Most of their life was spent in prayer.

In late June of 1887, a circus train on its way west passed through the major railway crossing at Jackson Junction. As luck would have it, they encountered trouble with their steam engine, but fortunately there were skilled mechanics at hand who immediately set to work to repair the locomotive.

Unfortunately, while they were waiting, one of the elephants escaped.

Meanwhile, Sister Mary Dorothea was the most recent novice at the convent. The Mother Superior, Sister Mary Louisa, assigned the newest member of the community to keep watch through the front window, to ensure that the nuns were not disturbed in their meditations and devotions. Meanwhile, the Mother Superior retired to her study to pray.

Suddenly the novice saw a remarkable sight. She ran to her superior’s chamber and knocked briskly on the door: “Mother!” she shouted, “A monster has just broken down the front gate!”

Sister Mary Louisa was somewhat nonplussed. “What sort of monster?” she asked as calmly as possible.

“It’s as big as the shed, and it walks on four legs like rain barrels!” replied Sister Mary Dorothea.

The Mother Superior knew full well that no such creature existed, and gritted her teeth. “Go back to the window,” she said tersely, “and don’t bother me!”

The young nun returned to her post, looked out, and immediately ran back to Mother Superior’s chamber. “It’s trampling around in the rosebushes!” she exclaimed.

“Go BACK and WATCH it!” replied the Mother Superior, returning to her prayers.

The neophyte was back almost immediately.

“I’m very sorry to disturb you, Mother,” she said, “but you won’t BELIEVE what that monster is doing! It’s running around in the garden backwards, and it’s picking up cabbages with its tail, and shoving them up its…”

The Mother Superior fainted dead away.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

The correct way to weigh yourself:

I can't believe I was doing it wrong all these years.

WE MUST SPREAD THE WORD.


Have a great week-end.