Thursday, January 3, 2008

Me Again

I am going to talk about myself again in the hopes that some people will understand me better. I grew up with a wonderful mother and grandmother who were loved by almost everyone who knew them. I had a very large and loving family who treated me (as the almost first grandchild) very specially. I had a happy childhood when I was growing up and when I was ten years old I received the gift of a little sister whom I idolized. I did everything I could for her (probably too much) and hated it when I had to leave for college cause I worried about her. I went to school for four years and taught in another city for another four years and finally moved back to Ames when my mother had a nervous breakdown. She got over it but it was caused by her taking care of an aging father and daughter on her own. So I came back. I am not complaining about it. I loved those years and I had a lot of fun with my mom and my sister. but I would not have been in Iowa if I had been on my own. There were other places I wanted to live and things to see. But I felt that I needed to be here.

We went on vacations to Minnesota every summer and while I grew tired of those trips and wanted to go else where some of the time they were rejuvenating for Mom and Ginny (Of course they would cry for 500 miles of the 425 miles home. While there we made friends with Morrie and Maryjane Rabinowitz and Maryjane's parents Jo and Esther Shannon. They had the cabin right next to us and they became a part of our "family" We used to go up to their house in Ellsworth, Minnesota for Labor Day and sometimes Thanksgiving. Maryjane is like (hell she is) a sister to me and Morrie was a brother to my Mom and a surrogate father for my sister. We were that close. I can't remember them ever saying a disparaging thing to me or putting me down. It was always love both to and from all of them

Over the years I had a wonderful career and I think I was a good teacher. However I developed a sensitive personality. It may be because I was overweight. It could be for other reasons but I did not feel as valued as others. I was not interested in hunting or sports. I was not married and did not have good dating relationships. For whatever reason I developed a thin skin. I think I covered it up pretty well. But those little remarks that people made about me or to me hurt and I tried to let them go but sometimes I would lie there at night worrying about them.
The teacher I worked with talked about me behind my back and criticized my ability because I had been in the hospital and didn't have the stamina. She talked about me to my principal and parents and students. She was not an ethical person and eventually someone told me about it. I chose not to have a retirement party when I retired because I felt betrayed by her and by my principal. Eventually I got to the place in my life where, if you didn't want me for a friend I would not fight with you, I would just go elsewhere. I don't usually stand up for myself.

I am not the type of person (usually) who tries to force himself on someone. I don't call people up or drop in on them and I don't spend hours on the telephone (they always said that the phone grew out of mother's ear - not mine) I love to go out to eat with friends and to spend time with them visiting but I am usually not the one who initiates the activity.

Remarks made by people years ago still sting and hurt me if I think about them. People who said things to me because I was fat (and believe me I was fat - fatter than now) hurt me. They said them to me when I was a young boy and an adolescent. And they were supposed to be people who loved me. I am sure that is part of the reason I withdrew from being open with people and sharing my feelings.

I wrote some things on my blog about my hurt not only by my family but by some others. It has been a hell of a year for me. People who I thought were my friends criticized my taste in clothing, offered to fight with me, lied to me and in general made me feel like I did ever so many years ago. I didn't like it and I decided that I didn't need them in my life. I have had some Lodge Brothers who have read my blog and have come to me and let me know just how much they cared about me as a Brother and how important I was to them. I have made other friends in other places and that has been terrific. It has really helped me to feel valued. You have no idea what it has been like to feel that no one cares enough about you to include you and listen to you.

I hate it that I evidently am a person that people feel it is all right to pick on. I hate it when the caring I try to give is not returned or thanks given for what I tried to do. I have never tried to put people down or make nasty remarks about them. I have probably written to much on this blog but it has been a learning therapeutic experience for me.

I thought I had a friend I could share anything with but evidently I didn't. for whatever reason I no longer feel friendship from that person. Evidently I am too dramatic or to needy for him to be my friend. It is to bad because I never had a friend that I felt that close to but no more. My loss.

I had a lot of changes in my life in the past year and Blogging was a way of reaching out to people and sharing my feelings. God knows, Bailey wasn't interested. All he wants is a treat. For whatever reason I have alienated some people and I have resolved not to bother them again. I will not try to force myself on them or put them in a position where they think they have to lie to me to make me go away. I have other people who care about me as was pointed out when my Aunt Jo came down tonight and told me just how much she cared and probably listened to me for the very first time because I probably shared my feelings with her for the very first time. I do love my family and care about them. I am just not one to push myself on them. I tried that with a Brother and look where that got me. He doesn't even speak to me any more. My fault, I'll live with it. Bottom line is we can't be friends so I will leave him to his life and go on to live what is left of mine. (am I repeating myself? guess so)

Another thing, I have a shitty disease. It is called diabetes. I am not blaming anyone but myself for having it. I am the one who compensated emotionally by eating too much and drinking to much coke (never drank diet) and orange juice, and got fatter and fatter until I wound up in the hospital with a 600 blood sugar. (Damn near died) - Then a year later I had to have an ankle fusion operation and now have one leg shorter than the other so I decided to change my name to Ilean (laugh now). I also have glaucoma and have to take pills and put drops in my eyes. I hate it. I left my church because of it because I won't be a hypocrite and say I am a Christian Scientist and I miss it. But that is the way it is.

Why all of this post. Just because I need to get it off my chest to someone and you folks listen. I doubt that the brothers who hurt my feelings even read the blog any more. It is no big deal I write it for me. It is probably a record of my assholeness for some, my hurt for others and the vast majority don't even care. There are a couple of you who know me, with whom I have shared things off the blog and I know support me - you might find it interesting. I just needed to get it off my chest and this is the place for that. Some of you are very private and don't share your feelings with anyone. I used to be that way. Perhaps I should/could be again but I find, somehow, that this helps and I might as well put it here as bury it beneath a facade of "hail fellow well met" crap. This at least gets it out of me and helps me deal and perhaps you will see what remarks made to another (even in so called fun) can do to them especially when (even though they have been a grand high priest) that person is as sensitive as I am.

This is not a pity party. In fact, I feel good about things right now. I found out that someone cared enough for me to make things right between us. I wish others could do that but I won't hold my breath. I have many, many good things going on in my life right now. I can get over (most of) my hurt feelings and if someone doesn't want me around them it's their loss. (mine too but I won't go there) Perhaps someday they will know how I feel. With Hiram Abif I say "Give me a few friends who will love me for who I am and not for what little I posses." that is enough. God Bless you everyone and major Hugs. j

1 comment:

Dianne said...

It is wondrous to be able to share - honestly - yourself with the universe. Both brave and beautiful.