Found For Friday

Thanks to Kevin for most of these. - Enjoy
How to wash a toilet
This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you

1. Put both lids of the toilet up
And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid.

You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Sincerely,

The Dog



The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a tremendous bolt of lightning, followed by massive clap of thunder, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot!......................You're sitting on the mop bucket!"






A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only saran wrap for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts"."


One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.
The End

Dinosaurs are fascinating. My three-year-old is obsessed with them. Recently we were riding on a bus, and he asked another passenger for her name. "My name is Deena," she said. "Can you say Deena?"
"Deena," said my son. "Can you say pachycephalosaurus?"

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. "No, no, no!" she screamed. "Lizzie," scolded her mother , "that's not polite behavior ."
With that, the girl yelled even louder, "No, thank you! No, thank you!
Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, "Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"
Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!"
And so it does ..."A f r i c a n Elephant"
Hooked on phonics!!! Ain't it wonderful?
One afternoon while I was visiting my library, I noticed a group of preschoolers gathered for story time. The book they were reading was There Was an Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly. After the librarian finished the first page, she asked the children, "Do you think she'll die?"
"Nope," a little girl in the back said. "I saw this last night on Fear Factor."
My sister had been ill, so I called to see how she was doing. My ten-year-old niece answered the phone. "Hello," she whispered.
"Hi, honey. How's your mother?" I asked. "She's sleeping," she answered, again in a whisper.
"Did she go to the doctor?" I asked.
"Yes. She got some medicine," my niece said softly.
"Well, don't wake her up. Just tell her I called. What are you doing, by the way?"
Again in a soft whisper, she answered, "Practicing my trumpet."
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. "Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" he asked innocently.
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust."You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer."___________________________________
Even though the toddler was having a furious tantrum, his mom was_unfazed. "You may as well give up on the crying," I heard her say as she led him to the store exit. "You're stuck with me for 18 years." (BTW- MY MOTHER USED TO SAY THAT MY GRANDMOTHER SAID THE SAME THING ABOUT ME- J)




Stolen from AmericaBlog

From an email going around:
Gov. Palin is reported to have signed a contract to write a book about her life, including her experiences as the Republican Vice Presidential candidate last year. In recent efforts to rehabilitate her image, she has talked about her love of reading and mentioned that one of her favorite authors is C.S. Lewis. There is, so far, no confirmation to the rumor that her new book will be entitled, "The Lyin', the Witch and the Wardrobe."