Found for Friday

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.



As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?' The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'


So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'


My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
I'll Feed You

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also...'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high'


The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina, and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, 'Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies.

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, 'Do you have any rye bread?'

She said, 'Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?'

He said, 'I want 5 loaves.'

She said, 'My goodness, 5 loaves. . . by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard.'

He replied, 'I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this (sh--) stuff but me.'

Dog Pack Attacks Gator In Florida

At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.

The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the "apex predator", can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and "survival of the pack mentality" bred into the canines.

See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine.

Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.
_Remember when I told you that God has a sense of humor--and you doubted me :>)

Well, look what just happened!

A couple of years ago, when I was down in New Orleans, I heard a conversation where some one asked if America would ever have a black President.

The answer, with laughter, was "When pigs fly!" Well, here Obama has been President for 100 days, and swine flu!

Coincidence? I think not!

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Summer In Florida
Irving and Murray were sitting on the park bench one May day. "You know, Murray, I'm going to Miami Beach for the summer this year," Irving said.
"For the summer?" asked Murray. "Where are you going to stay?"
"The Horowitz-Carlton. They have good air conditioning. And it serves only kosher food."
"Sounds good. But is the food glatt kosher?"
"Yes, glatt kosher. I wouldn't eat anywhere else."
So Irving went to Miami Beach. After a few weeks, Murray became bored going to the park by himself, so he decided to surprise his friend by going down unannounced. He walked into the hotel and asked the desk clerk where he might be able to find his friend Irving.
"Right now he's in room 402 at the Sans Souci Hotel across the street," the clerk replied.
Murray hopped into a cab and headed for the Sans Souci. "I'm here to visit the person in room 402," he told the clerk.
"Do you mean Miss Murphy?" asked the clerk. "She's busy now."
"Uh, no, she's expecting me," Murray said, thinking quickly. He rushed up to room 402 and knocked on the door. A sparsely dressed redhead woman with a nice set of knockers opened it. And there was Irving, sitting at the edge of the bed in his underwear, in a bathrobe.
Murray was furious. "I'm shocked and I don't know what to say! A religious man like you! And you insisted you were going to stay at a kosher hotel!"
Irving looked at him as if he was crazy. "Why are you getting so excited? I don't eat here!"

FYI - Tweety Bird just turned 60.

THE POWER OF PRAYER:

After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to town to avoid passing my favorite bakery.

I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of my favorite goodies.

I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, it's up to you...if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."

And sure enough, He answered my prayer. On the eighth time around the block, there it was.




The Bell Ringer of Notre Dame

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but..
he's a dead ringer for his brother!!!"