Because right now we still need to laugh - Found For Friday

At 11:00 this morning Max will begin his journey on the Rainbow Bridge. Please hold Jon in your thoughts - and Ginny and me. Thanks.
Grandparents
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under
the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd
done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and
started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you
forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never
put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy
Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.
My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked,
"Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother
changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to
wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and
more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she
threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,
putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the
room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what
her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside
on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a
tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild
raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed,
taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to
know you sooner!"




5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I
mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we
alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.



6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
grandfather's word processor. She told him she was
writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied.. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her
colors yet, so I decided to test her.. I would point out
something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and
was always correct.. It was fun for me, so I continued. At
last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think
you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly
replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says
I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her
grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to
make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little
surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said,
"how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a
public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:
"The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The
teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't
you know what pregnant means?" she asked..
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means
carrying a child."
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to
their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.
Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use
the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin,
we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from
attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in.
Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."



13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.
"Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want
her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her
visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me
good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart
as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over; you
hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.
A teacher was working with her students on flavors. She gave them several lifesavers and asked them to identify the flavors. The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh my God! They're ass-holes!"

The teacher had to leave the room !
Guy goes into a clothing store, tries on a new pair of pants. Tailor asks how they fit.
Man says, “Well, they kinda remind me of Trinity Church.”
Tailor says, “Trinity Church? How could pants remind you of Trinity Church?”
Man says, “Well, you know the ballroom in Trinity Church?”
Tailor thinks for a moment. Then he says, “There’s no ballroom in Trinity Church!”
Man says, “Same as these pants.”

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Super Wal-Mart store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor ....... The manager of the produce department stumbled
unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well..

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store!

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...



(You really are going to hate me for this one...)



'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WAL-MART!'

Take Me to Jail

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, from S. C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
Annoyed because she can't sleep, a woman goes to the vet to see if he can help with her dogs constant snoring. The vet tells her to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles.

"Yeah, right," she says.

That night, a few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The woman tosses and turns and is unable to sleep. So, sge gets up and goes to the closet, grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed.

Later that night her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also worked on him and the woman sleeps soundly.

Later, during the night, her husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees the blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head, looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but we must have been bloody good at it - we took first and second place!"
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain."

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced".

"That's a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me.. I feel so alone. "

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?*"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

by Grandmère Mimi


Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:

His dizzy aunt ------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia -------------------- Yu Gogh
His magician uncle --------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin --------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother --------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ----------------- Wells-far Gogh
The ballroom-dancing aunt -------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird-lover uncle ------------------------------- Flaminn Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ---------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking --------------- Way-to Gogh
The little bouncy nephew --------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco --------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV ----- Winnie Bay Gogh

There ya Gogh!

Time to Gogh...........