Found for Friday

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some
 new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the
food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting
next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different
colors: Green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at
him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. 
 
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild
in your life?' 
 
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I would not choke on his response,

knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his reply. 
 
'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'


ADULT:

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

CANNIBAL:

Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:

Cold Storage.

INFLATION:

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:

Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:

An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:

Something other people have,

similar to my character lines

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

.....Then You Are Probably The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual.
Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.


I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.



They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe! They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.



I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men.



And of course, traffic started backing up.. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.



It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.



He got out of his car and started walking towards me.



I could tell he was not a happy camper!



 "What's going on here? "



"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.



“Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"



I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,



"Hello-O-O-O-O-O, those are my emergency flashers!"


Giving Up Wine

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked...

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money... Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.... For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. . And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as

a public service.