Found For Friday

NAVAJO MESSAGE FOR THE MOON

For those of you who don't know it, Navajo is a native American Indian tribe.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo Project, it took the astronauts to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for training.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son came across the space crew walking among the rocks. The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question. His son translated for the NASA people: "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

One of the astronauts said that they were practicing a trip to the moon. When his son relayed this comment the Navajo elder got all excited and asked if it would be possible to give to the astronauts a message to deliver to the moon.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity when he saw one, a NASA official accompanying the astronauts said, "Why certainly!" and told an underling to get a tape recorder.

The Navajo elders comments into the microphone were brief. The NASA official asked the son if he would translate what his father had said.

The son listened to the recording and laughed uproariously. But he refused to translate.

So the NASA people took the tape to a nearby Navajo village and played it for other members of the tribe. They too laughed long and loudly but also refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.__An official government translator was summoned. After he finally stopped laughing the translator relayed the message the elder wanted sent to the moon:

“WATCH OUT FOR THESE ASSHOLES. THEY HAVE COME TO STEAL YOUR LAND."

One day my housework challenged husband decided

to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,

he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the_washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied.

'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! '

And they sayblondes are dumb....

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,

'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies,'I'll miss you.........

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'

Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their

40th wedding anniversary. On their special day

a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....

Whoosh...immediately he turned 90!!!

Gotta love that fairy!

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be_men.

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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping

for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

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Q: Why do men whistle when they

are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. _

The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:_

16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'

15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'

14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'

13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'

12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'

11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'

9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket. '

8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'

7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'

6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'__

5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'

4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'

3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'

2 'I'm glad to hear tha t the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'

AND THE WINNER IS....

I1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here.

More Church Bulletin Slip-ups

(These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service. And of course we all know that I, PJ, am the country's foremost authority on church bulletins and church services. Amen.)

- Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

- The cost for attending the Prayer and Fasting Conference includes meals.

- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

- Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget to bring your husbands.

- Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Friends are welcome! Bring your own hot dogs and guns.

- The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

- The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

- The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

- Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

- Don't let worry kill you off. Let the Church help.

- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

- The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM.-prayer and medication to follow.

- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

- Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

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Hymns for All Professions

Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns

Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation

Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy

Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away

Politician's Hymn: Standing on the Promises

Optometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes That I Might See

IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All

Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On

Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light

Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By

Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the

Hilltop

Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me

Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician